Good morning baby girl. How’s Heaven treating you? I hope it surpasses all I’ve heard about it. I want over-the-top fabulous for you. Nothing less is acceptable. At. All.
The past two weeks have been the usual. They started out me feeling aggravated and I didn’t know why. Anxiety popped it’s head up a little and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. Did I eat the wrong thing? Do I need to eat? Is my blood pressure up? I have positive, happy things happening so I should be feeling elated, not anxious! What the heck!
Then, it hit me. I knew. The 25th was right around the corner. No wonder. How could I be so dumb? It’s the same routine as the last 30 years. How could I not have known why? It’s not like I can ignore it.
So, I did what people do in this social media world. I posted a status to your daddy on my Facebook wall, and as it luck would have it he replied. I’m sure you’re very happy we’re at a good point with each other. Lord knows it took a long time. BUT he’s crazy! LOL, kidding. A little.
I sure do hope, beyond any hope that your daddy gives me your sock. I know it’s just a sock, but you had it on. It’s precious. It would be my most very prized possession. Remember the carving my dad made on the trip up to see you the day you were born? Didn’t know where I stored it. I didn’t like that a bit! I am so happy I found it!
I sit here now, tears pouring and my heart breaking. Thinking about another year of all we missed together. 30 years, it’s a big milestone. What’s it like to be 30 in Heaven? I daydream about what you’re doing, what your job is up there. I know it must be something really special and important, and I have all the confidence in this world you’re superb at it! For the longest time I had the normal questions… Why you? Why did God have to take you?! But recently I’ve started thinking I know why. You were born an angel. You needed to learn something and help me learn something. We needed lessons to use later. I know you know what I mean. You had a job in Heaven and I needed to be ready to help others who lose their babies. God knew I’d know right away telling a mom the brutal, raw, honest truth of what to expect would be what she wanted, and needed. LOL, God knew my bold side would compliment my soft side and make me good at it. He’s no dummy.
I’m going to cut this short sweetie. I’ve got some writing to do, but before I close this I want you to know something. Just because I don’t think about you ever second of every day, you’re always with me. I can actually smell you sometimes, and I wish I could still feel you in my arms and laying on my chest. That stopped too long ago. I never stop missing you and I love you more today than I did yesterday. As always, thank you SO MUCH for that big smile you gave me the last time I fed you. It still gets me through my weakest moments and makes my heart fill with so much joy there’s no room for pain. What a gift that’s been. There’s no better one. And know this. I would give just about anything to go back and relive that moment. I’d take in a big breath of you and give you so so many tiny little kisses, and tell you how very much you mean to me. I’d make that moment in time last forever and I would never put you to bed.
Until September 11th baby girl, you keep rocking Heaven. I’ll write and say hi again.
I. LOVE. YOU.
Hugs and kisses baby girl.
In Loving Memory of Brittany Nichole Farrow, July 25, 1984 — September 11, 1984.