America Pays Tribute

Active Duty Military & Veterans

to all past and present military men and women…

for our freedom and our safety…

for your sacrifice…

God Bless You.

Thank You.

free for you…

1. Download 12 Patriotic Songs – Free Music: “To The Colors”, “Star Spangled Banner (The National Anthem)”, “Man Behind the Gun”, American Pageant (“America”, “Yankee Doodle”, “Battle Hymn of the Republic”, “Dixie”, “America the Beautiful”, “Columbia the Gem of the Ocean”, “Garry Owen”, “When Johnny Comes Marching Home”, ”Here’s to America”, “Eternal Father, Strong to Save” (The U.S. Navy Hymn), “Lord, Guard and Guide” (The U.S. Air Force Hymn), “Holding the Flag for America”, “Retreat”, and “Taps” (with Orchestration)
2. Applebee’s – Free Dinner all day.
3. Golden Corral – Annual Free Buffet – Military Appreciation Day Monday, Nov. 16th from 5:00p to 9:00p to say Thank You!
4. Outback Steakhouse – Says “Thanks To Out Veterans!” – Active Military Personnel and Veterans get a Free Blooming Onion and Beverage on Wednesday, Nov. 11th.
5. Krispy Kreme – Active Military Personnel receives 1 Free Doughnut, any variety.
6. National Park Service – Active Duty and Veterans Free Admission to ANY park. May or may not require proof of service.
7. Disney Land! – U.S. Military receives a Free Multi-Day Admission to Theme Parks in 2009.
8. Knott’s Berry Farm – November 1 – 26 only;  Active Duty and Veteran military personnel plus one guest Free Admission with proper I.D.  Purchase up to six additional tickets for just $15 each.
9. JFK Presidential Library and Museum – Honors Veterans with Free Admission Veterans Day through Sunday, November 13
10. ageTracker._trackPageview('/outbound/article/www.nwtrek.org');" href="http://www.nwtrek.org/events.php?id=126&event_id=148" target="_blank">Northwest Trek Wildlife Park: Free Admission – Active duty military and their household family members receive Free Admission on November 11th, from 9:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Military identification cards are required.
11. Sam’s Club - Giving away Free Hugo® Canes for Veterans.
12. UNO Chicago Grill – Free Individual Pizza or Free Entrée Nov. 11th.

Much love.
<3

Photo: The U.S. Army (Flickr)

September 9, 1984 and it’s about 2:00am. You woke up for an unusual feeding, you normally slept through the night. You were such a good baby. There we were, I remember it so well. I’m rocking you, you’re drinking your bottle and I’m talking to you. I was telling you how much I loved you when suddenly you stopped eating and gave me the biggest most beautiful smile I had ever seen. You were so pretty. It definitely was the most precious gift anyone has ever given me. That moment is burned into my memory and when I need it, it shows up. Thank you.

September 10, 1984, I’d been to the laundry mat so I had clothes all over the living room. I laid you down for the night, but you didn’t like it and were crying upstairs while I was downstairs folding away. Your dad’s mom told me about 30 times over the last 6 weeks, “If you don’t let her lay and cry you’re gonna spoil her!” I’d give just about anything to have not taken her advice that night. Finally, you stopped crying so I sneaked upstairs to check on you; for over a week I’d had an obsession about checking to be sure you were breathing while sleeping. You were fine so I went back to folding clothes.

September 11, 1984, 6:30am the alarm goes off. I hit snooze and laid there with your dad until 7:00am. I rolled out of bed and before my foot touched the floor I knew something was wrong. I bolted over to your makeshift bed in our bedroom. I wanted you near me so I had you fixed up in our room. How ironic, I wanted to get to you quickly if you cried during the night and needed me.

There you were, face down on the flat pillow I had on top of your baby mattress so you’d be comfortable. I picked you up and turned you over; immediately everything slowed down to barely moving, it was as if time was literally standing still. Our voices got louder and dragged out; our movements slowed down so much it’s hard to comprehend even today. It was just like something out of the movies. Time really does stand still.

“Oh my God Rob! Call 911! She’s not breathing!” I immediately started CPR but it was so awkward on the water bed, I wasn’t thinking. I’m pretty sure I tried CPR with you on my lap too. I kept telling myself, “Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm! Think, think, think! You know how to do this! You learned in 10th grade! Oh my God! Stay calm! Don’t panic!” I laid you on the floor alternating breaths and tiny little pumps on your chest; I didn’t want to hurt you. Then as I picked you up, a gurgling sound! “Yea! I saved you! You’re breathing!” No, it was the fluid built up in your lungs. Devastation set in once again. There’s the fear, I was so afraid. “God, stay calm! You panic, you lose her! Breath!”

I’m still unable to believe how many different emotions, thoughts, and actions or processes a brain can do at the same time. It was so odd how many of them were happening at the same time. All at full capacity, at the same time. I was fully aware of every moment, every emotion, every action. How is that possible? If I hadn’t experienced it, I’d think it was impossible.

Your father, your poor father. Standing against the door trying to relay information and instructions between 911 and me. His fear, his panic. I remember feeling so sad for him. If I didn’t save you, if I lost you, if I didn’t make you breath again…how would I tell him? “It’s up to me! I have to save you! Breath! Why the hell do you feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll?”

I should have known it was too late, you’re beautiful little face was a grayish color, your eyelids were purply blue just like your little lips. The pinkish maroonish spots on your face should have told me too. Your fists were so tight I mistakenly thought that was why your little finger nails were purple. My mistake. Nothing made sense. You couldn’t be dead, that was impossible. “Breath! Don’t panic! Fast tiny pumps! Breath! This can’t be happening! Let’s wake up now! Let’s wake up! Let’s wake up! Breath! Oh God, please breath Britt! Why do you feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll?”

I grab you up and rush downstairs to the couch, breathing for you the entire time. How did I not fall down? I didn’t want you to have brain damage when the medics got there and made you better. It seemed like an eternity for help to arrive; I’m sure it was just a few short minutes. I can still see the paramedic’s face. It was obvious later he knew it was too late; you were gone. I screamed at him, “Why are you taking so long? Why are you moving so slow?! HURRY UP! Do something!” He quickly realized I hadn’t accepted it yet and jumped into high gear. It didn’t matter though, you were gone. I took you back and just sat there helpless. I’d never felt so much pain. I’d never known a heart could feel that way. I just sat there rocking you. Hugging you. Kissing your little face. Telling you how much I loved you and begging you to come back.

I don’t know how long I sat there, and I don’t know when the police arrived. I didn’t care, NO ONE was gonna take my baby from me! Not even the police! Those poor cops, it took them quite some time to convince me to let the paramedic take you. I didn’t want to let you go…I’d never get you back. The inevitable happened and I handed my little bundle of beautiful joy over. I followed the medic outside and stood behind the ambulance while they placed you inside. The medic climbed in back with you and shut the doors. I stood there, watching the ambulance drive away, with my baby girl. Dead.

Life without Brittany has been a nightmare in more ways than a person who has never lost a child could ever know. It was especially horrific over the first year after she died. Imagine spending a life time trying to forget such a horrible day. It’s been torturous to say the least. I’ve learned to live with it and feel lucky I don’t feel the pain daily. July 25th through September 11th I’m a grouch and even a bit bitchy the closer 9/11 gets. Thank God I have the memory of Brittany’s smile from that night. It’s always been there when I need it.

I hate Stretch Armstrong Dolls. I hate carnations, the smell reminds of my baby girl in a coffin…I HATE CARNATIONS!

“If I had just 5 minutes with you today Brittany, I’d hold you close, rock you, and give you tiny little kisses all over. I wish I had known I only had you for 6 weeks and 6 days. I would have cherished every second and done things so differently. Mommy loves you so much. Thank you for the 6 weeks and 6 days. Thank you for being my baby girl. Thank you for the smile. Thank you for watching over your brother and sister.”

“I’m so sorry, but I didn’t know.”

Brittany Nichole Farrow
July 25, 1984 – September 11, 1984
God Bless…I miss you…you are my heart…I will never forget.

Infant CPR, learn it.

SIDS Resources

• SIDS
• Reducing the Risk of SIDS
• SIDS Network
• SIDS “Back to Sleep” Campaign
• CDC
• SIDS NY Health

Your dad got so mad at me. “I knew it! I knew it was gonna be at night! I knew you would do this!” All I could do was say I was sorry and I didn’t mean too. I swear he hit every pot hole on the way there! I said ow so many times he finally yelled, “What do you expect me to do? Pick the car up and jump over them!” Wow, if I was the person then that I am now.

Odd things began to happen once I was laying in the hospital bed. My blood pressure went to normal, the swelling disappeared, your father was attentive and didn’t fall asleep once all night. I got lucky, labor only lasted about 9 hours if that and there you were. July 25, 1984, one of the most memorable days of my life. The most beautiful little creature I had ever seen. Nothing about you was wrong; you were perfect. I was so in love with you and your dad seemed to love you just as much, but that was impossible. I loved you more than life, no one could love you as much as I did. My little perfect Brittany Nichole.

Two days later we took you home and I shared you with my family. We were all so proud of you. Time went on and I learned how to be a mommy more and more each day. I kept thinking our life would be better now that you were here; we’d be a happy family. I was so naive and looking through rose colored glasses. I wish I could go back. I just didn’t know.

Life with your dad got worse and I spent every waking moment trying to figure out a way to make him want us. “I don’t know what I want. I need time.” What a horrible thing for a new mommy in a place she didn’t belong to hear. I was so scared. It seemed like life or death to find a way for him to want us. To make him understand he was just confused. What a horrible thing for a new baby. You could feel the stress; you knew I was always upset. When you weren’t crying I was and most times when you were so was I. I’m so sorry; I should have been a better mommy and realized you were all I needed. I just didn’t know. I wish I could take it all back.

Over the next few weeks our time together was spent with me depressed, making sure you were fed and clean, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner, oh and of course chasing your dad around wondering where he was when he wasn’t home. Your grandma must have known, she kept telling me, “men are men” and stressing how she knew your grandpa wasn’t faithful when he was serving in Korea. I just kept telling her, “I don’t care!” and continued on my journey of hell and heartache.

After about 4 more weeks of the torture I felt in the never ending cycle my life had become, I packed you up and we went home for 2 weeks. Being away from your dad and New York, back home at my dad’s made it easier for me to clear my head and think. Day 4 into our visit home I decided NO MORE and got our plane ticket moved up to day 5 of our trip. Off to New York we went! Funny, I can’t remember if your dad picked us up, but I’m sure he did. There are so many things I can’t remember from back then.

So there we were, just you and me again in the Military housing. Alone. The entire weekend, alone. Your dad was no where to be found, then the call came. “It’s not what you think. This was a good bye.” Seriously? Wow! What an idiot jerk. “I don’t think so! Screw you! Your packed bags are already on the front porch!” Never the less, he came home and wouldn’t leave; I just ignored him. I finally had my fill of infidelity and bad treatment. I think going home really was the turning point to find my self respect again. I started focusing on you and what we needed to do.

Tuesday, September 4th, came around. Your father sat next to me on the couch. He looked over and told me he wanted his family. I don’t remember if he said he was sorry, but he must have. I was so excited inside and wanted to scream “YES! FINALLY!” at the top of my lungs, but I just sat there. I couldn’t let him know how happy I was he wanted us; before I knew it I was wearing the biggest grin. I still hate myself for it.

The next week for our little family was wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I was elated we were finally a family and I struggled with trying to trust him. It wasn’t easy ignoring all he had done and he wouldn’t tell me who she was. I thought not knowing was hard. I had no idea what hard was yet.

I’m sorry, but I didn’t know.

July 22, 1984, just an ordinary Sunday. Your dad went to visit your grandpa for lunch, same as we have both done every weekend since your dad moved me up from Georgia back on January 11th. I didn’t feel so well so I stayed home this Sunday; the toxemia made it too uncomfortable to move around. Time went by and by and by, then finally your dad came home. Something was different; his face had so much guilt on it as he walked toward me up the stairs. He assured me nothing was wrong as he locked the bathroom door behind him. He never was a good liar. It was to be weeks before it dawned on me why the water was running and what he was doing in there. Of course I jumped in the car and sped over to the only friend’s house I knew. I never put the scent of the apartment and the sent of your dad together, so I sat at her house crying. “I think he is having an affair.” and began to tell her of all the signs.

Skip right through July 23rd to the 24th, nothing unusual about these days; your dad was distant and I spent my day afraid we were gonna lose him. I walked around  like some pathetic existence of a person. What would I do if he didn’t want us? I had no one in New York; I was from Georgia and all alone. Another day of him being in control of my emotions. I was a wreck; I’m sure you could feel it. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know.

A visit to the doctor that morning was a little scary for me; Dr. Etkin kind of yelled at me for gaining 50 lbs of water in two days. My blood pressure had shot up to 160/90 (don’t know if that’s right but the number sticks in my head). I should have kept off my feet and had them elevated like he’d told me. I was so distraught and preoccupied I didn’t understand when Dr. Etkin said “…induce you tomorrow.” It was if he had said something in French. I did however understand “I’m worried you’ll go into convulsions that will kill you and your baby.” I immediately asked for your dad. Once he was in the room I calmed down and understood what the doctor was saying.

Later back at home, there I sat, on the couch feet up. Nothing to do but watch TV and think. So much swelling from the toxemia today, but I was a nervous wreck and I just couldn’t stay still. I know, I know, doctor’s orders were bed rest, but…I had to stay busy. A busy mind is distracted.

It was the night of July 24th around 10:30pm, I was so nervous around your edgy dad. Nothing I said, nothing I did was right; he wasn’t very nice to me, or at all. I was having pains, but that was normal so I didn’t give them a second thought. I went to the bathroom; I had to go so bad. As I sat there literally shaky from my nerves I felt a pop and then I really started to go. Then there was this clear stuff…ok now that was unusual! I called Dr. Etkin and he told me to go to the hospital. I guess telling me I would be induced the next day scared you right out of me!

I Didn’t Know What Hard Was

In a few days I’m doing something I rarely do. I’m gonna share my 25-year torment. It’s very hard to talk about most times and others not so much, but always, always hard to share very much. Some times it is so fresh for me it’s like it was just this morning, while other times I’m in complete control, have my composure and I can speak without difficulty.

There have been countless moments in my life, so tiny but so monumental. It’s funny how a split second can cause something as simple as a scent to set me back center stage starring in my own nightmare. There I am with my back glued to the front of subway train rushing out of control through that damn morning reliving flashes of the horror. It’s as if frames from a film are the graffiti plastered on the walls around me. I smell something, see something, hear something, and there it is crashing down on top of me crumbling me to nothing. The screeching of the train is eerily similar to the surreal sound of that damn morning. How can they be so similar when they are so different? I know it’s symbolic, but in all honesty, the rushing train, the screeching, the chaotic graffiti, none of it even comes close to truly expressing the pure horrific pain and terror of reliving my worst moment in life.

I don’t even know if anyone will take the time to read my story, but that’s not really what it’s about. I’m doing this to heal and stop the torture. I think it’s so I can forgive myself for not knowing. If my story reaches someone that knows the pain and I some how help them heal too, then if nothing else, the exposure will be worth it.

The Beginning – Blessing or Nightmare?

June 25, 2009 started for me in the year of 1970. It seems fitting that I’m sitting here watching a rerun of this season’s American Idol, “A Tribute to Michael Jackson”.

Credit: tipoyockn (Flickr)

Being from the Deep South and the daughter of a very strict father, I don’t know how I was even able to hear their music; none the less, I was very aware of them, especially the young one. He could just sing like no body’s business and he had moves I’d never seen before…and oh my goodness, he was so cute! There was only one other boy that could compare and secretly, Donnie Osmond didn’t come close to giving me the excitement this kid did! His music made me want to sing and dance just like him! Watching the Jackson’s variety show was the highlight of my week; the show had so much energy, the skits were funny, and I loved hearing them sing. I was hooked! I’d walk around singing “ABC” all week! I knew no shame! LOL

Countless times I’d entertain myself in our backyard. I’d have Michael Jackson and Donnie Osmond sitting at my little table for dinner with an occasional appearance by David Cassidy; each one would take turns being my husband. I can’t remember what we would talk about, but I do remember the conversation was always flowing…and they never said anything I didn’t like. LOL

As life rolled on by the Jackson’s show canceled and I heard less from the Jackson’s and my favorite singer. I was so disappointed by it all. I can remember thinking, “How in the world will I get by without that show?!” A couple of years passed by and a new movie came out called Ben. I didn’t go see the movie because I just hated rats, but I fell in love with the Song “Ben”.

Life continued to roll on and I heard bits and pieces about Michael here and there but not too much information. Eventually the “need” to hear his music faded but never left me entirely. Then as I grew into my late teens new music hit the radio. Michael had new stuff and I LOVED it! I couldn’t get enough of “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” or “Rock With You”. Getting into discos before I was old enough made my time spent with these songs all the better, but nothing compared to the elation of seeing the Jackson’s in concert and hearing all my favorite songs in person. To this day it is still by far the best and most memorable concert I’ve ever attended. This is the same time period I thought he was the most good-looking man on the planet. Not to take anything away from him in “The Way You Make Me Feel” and of course my other favorite, “Billie Jean”…starting to see a pattern here? LOL

He rocked my world! No one could move like him and certainly no one could make you feel like he did through his music.

It’s hard for me to pick my favorite song by MJ, there are so many that have touched my life. It just doesn’t seem right to choose one that stands out over another.  Maybe by the time I write part two of this post I’ll be able to pick an all time favorite or at the very least narrow it down to a select few…just don’t know if I can. Maybe I’m finding his songs mean more to me today because he passed away last Thursday, June 25, 2009.

Maybe someone reading this can leave some of their favorite song names or favorite memories of MJ. Maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll remind me of a song I’ve forgotten about. So go ahead…what is your favorite MJ song(s)?