My mom always told me, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say
anything at all.” Well…glad to see you 2012!

I’m gonna rock your ass!

I can’t be the only one. Well, that’s just a stupid thing to say. I know I’m not the only one, but it sure feels like it listening to everyone’s excitement around me. Everyone I know has the Christmas spirit, so why can’t I find it? Why do I feel so sad about it? It doesn’t feel like Christmas is here at all for me. I see the lights outside, and yes they’re pretty and they really should have that amazing power to uplift me into the realm of blissful sweep me away with that… SANTA IS COMING SOON EXCITEMENT!!! But no. Not for me. No happy jolly fat man coming to see me this year or letting me play Santa either. I am so sad my ho ho ho is no where to be found.

Is it selfish of me to feel sorry for myself that I can’t buy the gifts I want to? Surprise my kids, family, and friends like I want to? Have companies convinced me that Christmas is about buying and giving things to each other? I’m not sure if that’s what’s really happened for me and quite honestly confused over it all. Sure, I’ve bought my kids pricey things before and have gone overboard in some people’s standards. But I absolutely rejoice in their expression when they first lay their eyes on the prize in the box. My favorite part of Christmas has ALWAYS been the look of happiness when they first spotted their gift after working so feverishly to unwrap it. All the while telling me what was hidden in the box underneath all that wrapping paper just to be wrong.

This year will be different. I have no money for Christmas. I keep hoping something will happen, something will turn around, something good will come my way. I know better. Things are tough all over, for so many. Why am I wallowing in self pity? I know I should be ashamed. So many people are hungry, homeless, sick, and in so many other depressing situations that make my Christmas whine seem shallow. I don’t mean to be, I’m just really sad and feel like I’m letting people down. My kids are so important to me. Sure they’ll say they understand and it’s ok, after all they’re young adults now. But, it doesn’t matter how old they are to a mom …they’re still my babies and I still get so much heart felt joy seeing pure happiness on their faces when they open the gifts I gave them. Seeing those expressions are my Christmas gifts to me. I look forward to those moments all year long.

So how do I make this Christmas meet the same heartfelt gratifying heights? How do I meet my expectations, so i can have my Christmas moments? What can I do to make this year a special and a memorable one? With little to no money?

Like I said, “just a stupid thing to say”, but none the less I feel like I’m the only one and I’m so sad to let them down.

Today is a normal day, I’m sitting here having a working lunch with Christina Gleason (a.k.a. @CutestKidEver) and Kelly Pugliano (a.k.a. @kpugs) at Buffalo Wild Wings (a.k.a. @CliftonParkBWW) as I do every Monday. At least I call it a working lunch, but always seem to have a difficult time concentrating or getting motivated to follow through on the goals I set for myself. Today I have 3 blog posts, a test for an online company to take, and I planned into my to-do list working on my blog Tech Valley Food. By the way, this post is NOT part of the 3 I have on my list. BUT, Kelly gave me the idea to write it.

Since I’m obviously an anxious procrastinator this seems fitting. Every day I wake up rattling off my to-do list in my head. I have good intentions, but it’s just hard to overcome feeling anxious and overwhelmed sometimes. Every night I lay in bed thinking …and rattling tomorrow’s to-do list off in my head. I have such a positive attitude,“I’m going to get so much done tomorrow!” and I drift off to sleep happy. I never let myself think about not accomplishing my goals, not in bed. That would just be bad luck and set me up for failure. Maybe even a nightmare or two.

So, what to do? How can I set myself up for success? How can I strive to reach my goals? I have plenty of them. Lots of them. A ton. Fruition is a word I’d like to have as my BFF starting today. I’d settle for getting cozy with it tomorrow, just as long as it was going to slap me silly into a productive maniac.

Maybe I’ll try an experiment. If I think I am a “type” and I act like that “type”, will it make me that “type”? What’s that called? Power of positive thinking? “I thinking I am productive, so I will act productive, and therefore I’ll be productive!” I’ll trick myself into something productive! I’ll fake it until I make it!

To Do List

1. Blog post on personal blog.

2. Tech Valley Food blog post.

3. Finish CC articles.

4. I strive to be productive.

5. I strive to complete my To Do List.

How do you motivate yourself to get off your Derrière and make things happen? How do you get your To-Do’s scratched off your list?

On September 11th, I posted a letter to my daughter Brittany and in the letter I mentioned someone had once told me…

“Linda, don’t you think you need to get over it? How long has it been? You need to move on.”

This one moment in the person’s life meant nothing to her, but for me? Well, it lingers close never going very far away. It seems to always show up when I least want it. If I could only go back to that moment. I wouldn’t be the same person, shocked into speechlessness.

Normally there is absolutely nothing even remotely good about 9/11. It’s my day for mourning and wallowing in self pity. It’s my day to hide from everyone and just let the day lead the way for me. Any mom who has lost their child …their baby, has a right to their day; or days for that matter. I take mine, and now? You would never get away with telling me I “should be over it.” You’d have words to dig and cut away at you for the rest of your life.

Yesterday I logged into my blog to finally put up post, but got sidetracked by comments on my “September 11th – Ten Year Anniversary: 27 Years Later” post. One was from Beth of The Angel Forever, and the other was from Roger of Ramblin’ with Roger.

Beth’s (@TheAngelForever) was very sweet and comforting, something a good friend says. Not many people know what to say, but Beth said it right.

Roger (@ersie) on the other hand, well, I wouldn’t expect a stranger to really know what to say to me. But Roger surprised me.

“I want to do harm to people who say “Get over it” or “aren’t you over that yet?” We all grieve in different ways, and no way is CORRECT.”

Note: I don’t condone violence Roger.

I immediately started to reply to Roger’s comment, but then realized he had given me the permission I needed (don’t know why I’d need permission) to open up a little more on how I feel about “Just get over it.” Here’s my reply to you Roger, I hope you see it.

“I agree Roger, no one has the right to even assume they can tell a person how to grieve or when it’s enough. I feel VERY fortunate I only have a couple of  “Bad Day Anniversaries” and I’m not still feeling the grief I felt back then every day. And I have “gotten over it”…

One, I’m not downing a Fifth of Jack Daniels a day anymore.

Two, my heart doesn’t feel like that indescribable pain every day.

Three, my mind doesn’t repeat the event of that moment in time like a broken record so much anymore.

And four, when I see her little face smiling up at me now, it’s as if she was saying, “You know what? I love you and you make me happy. I’m so glad you’re my mommy!” more than seeing death all over her when I rolled her over that morning.

I have to say, I’ve made tremendous progress with no help from anyone. Unless of course, you count my dad’s voice in my head on the day I was leaving home to live in my new Atlanta apartment and start college that week. “Don’t be scared. You’re a strong girl. You can do this.” Those words have helped me pull myself up by my boot straps on more occasions that I can count.”

Thanks for taking the time Roger. It means so much and more than I could possibly express. And Beth, as always, thanks for being such a good friend.

I don’t spend a lot of time lingering about losing Brittany anymore, but it’s only because I’ve done so much of it in the past. There came a point when I just couldn’t feel all the pain, all the time anymore. After all, I had my new children to focus on and have a happy life with. It took me a while, but I was able to convince myself it was ok to stop compulsively asking God to please not take my new babies from me, let go of the fear, forgive myself for not making sure I grieved everyday, and feel happy again. Just because I choose to not think of her everyday, never at any moment means I don’t miss her, love her, and think about all the “what could have been” moments.

And one a final note. I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone’s opinion is on how I grieve or choose to remember and honor Brittany. If they don’t like how I do it, it’s best to keep it to themselves. I will never be shocked into speechlessness again.

Guess what daddy? I still get scared, but I am a strong girl and I can do it. Guess that makes me my own hero of sorts.

Have you ever had anyone tell you the way you grieve is the wrong way? Share your story.

To read more of my story see:
It’s not easy to expose myself; it never has been, but…
The Beginning – Blessing or Nightmare?
I Didn’t Know What Hard Was
I’m sorry, but I didn’t know.

The other day I was doing my daily scroll through my Twitter feed to see what my friends were up to, and I came across @ResourcefulMom’s tweet about working on her “List of What I Like About Me” for @ciaomom’s (Elena) challenge to everyone.  Elena has encouraged us to make a list of what we like about ourselves. Not an easy thing to do if you’re like me, even down right difficult to impossible. I put everyone before myself, after all, I’m a care taker. It’s important to me for people to be “ok with whatever” before I even delve at the thought of “What about me now?”

So here it is @ciaomom for all the world to see.

1. I like that today I am a “me delver” and that I am going to make “me delving” a regular event. With all the intensive investigation of me, I may get to know me better than I thought I knew me. (That’s a tongue twister of a thought!)
2. I like that no matter what, I have and continue to put my kids first and have more love for them than the earth can hold.
3. I like that I know when to say no to those kids I put first no matter what.
4. I like that I yell at the man I love and let him know, that’s not cool. Sometimes it’s well deserved.
5. I like that I’m woman enough to admit when I’m wrong and give credit where credit is due.
6. I like that I can make people laugh. It’s important to me. No one should ever feel sad, they should always feel happy inside. Their heart should feel as if its over joyed and tickled pink! It’s important to me.
7. I like that I can say “I can do that.”
8. I like that “I need to know” how that works, where it comes from, and how to do it. I may seem nosy and anal, but I just got smarter.
9. I like that I’m reinventing myself. It’s the only way to live.
10. I like that I’m anal about details. It’s important more times than not.
11. I like that I was just told “You’re a good friend Linda.” and I like it even more that it’s true. I love my friends. True ones aren’t made overnight.
12. I like that I just don’t like “mean” plain and simple. There is no place for it.
    
13. I like that if I slip and say GD, I apologize to God right away.
14. I like that I have a conscience. 
15. I like that I was afraid of my Daddy growing up.
16. I like that I still call him Daddy and say yes sir and no sir.
17. I like that I am close to my mom, dad, and my sisters.
18. I like that I have a little redneck in me.
19. I like that I’m Cherokee, Scottish, and that I don’t know what else. lol
    
20. I like that I love and share love.

 I can’t believe that 20 came to me so easy. I have more and it just seems like an impossibility. I think the earth even stopped for a few seconds.

I think @ciaomom should make this the “1st Annual What I Like About Me”. We should do this every year.

I’m going to Bloggy Boot Camp! I’m so excited!

Thank you Albany Kid for holding the contest! Thank you Random.org odds for putting my name in the number one slot!

See You At:

Bloggy Boot Camp – Boston

When: May 7, 2011, 9 AM to 5 PM
Where: Seaport Hotel in Boston, Massachusetts

Donald A. Dorey –Missing Since April 5, 2011 @ 8:30 a.m. est

Have you seen this man?

Just now in my Facebook account I received a sad and scary message; my friend’s brother has been missing for 48 hours. An official missing person’s report has been filed with the local authorities and she needs our help to find him. Please take a good look at this picture and if you see anyone that looks like it could be him, please contact Geneva at:

Dorey(dot here)Geneva@gmail(dot here)com

Details (When more become available this will be updated.):

Donald A. Dorey
36-yrs old
Last Seen On:  4/5/2011
In: Fairfax County, VA
Work Delivery For:  R.S. Meyers, Manassas, VA
Driving: White Work Van
Possible Lettering on Side of Van:  R.S. Meyers

This is part of the message my friend sent me:

It’s about 10:55pm Thursday night and as I write, I hurt. But I write this for those moms who grieve at the spur of a moment. There’s no warning. It can be triggered by anything at any time.

brb…gotta get some tissues.

Ok…back.

How is it I can’t make this never happen? Why can’t I watch a TV show, smell something, see something, taste something, or hear something and it not take me rushing to the most devastating time of my life? And get this, part of me never wants it to stop and I’m thankful it’s happens. Am I crazy? Do I love misery?

I was watching Private Practice on ABC. It had nothing to do with babies, but I think my little private crushing break was a moment in the making all day and maybe even for days.

• Last week I found out one of my childhood friends, Tim Moye, lost a son. The services were held this past Friday. Of course my heart hurts for him and I tried really hard to contact him.
  
• Anxiety I couldn’t explain all day.
• My daughter and I had dinner at Denny’s tonight. The most precious baby girl was there. She was under 2 months old and looked the same size my Brittany was at the time I lost her. So pretty and alert. Just a beautiful baby.
• Private Practice — Addison’s mom’s funeral services and an execution to boot.

Addison finally has her breakdown and the man on the table had his wife finally come walking in to view his execution at the last minute. When she said “Bye.” Well there you go! I broke into tears and not just a mild cry. I cried. My heart felt like I was flexing it, but only in a caving in kind of way. I don’t know how to put what it feels like to feel that kind of hurt. It’s not an “I’m so sad” kind of of hurt. It’s an “all is lost and there is no hope” kind of of hurt. Like your heart has fought a battle and now faces the worst possible ending; and it accepts the defeat the sorrow is inflicting.

The visions that go through my head are chaotic and confusing. It’s almost as if there is a battle of which recorded vision in my archive of snapshots is going to win. Will it be the one with me holding her and that big smile? Or, the one of me rolling her over the morning I found her. Or, will it be the one of me kneeling at her casket for what seemed like hours holding her little hands? Forgive me for saying this and I hope I don’t offend anyone, but wtf. Make some of the snapshots go away.

Maybe this is God’s way of keeping me in check of what’s important in life. It can’t be Him taunting me over what I can’t have. My God is not a cruel God. Thank goodness this is only a once in a blue moon kind of thing. I don’t want to be reminded too often. I know what is important to me in life, my kids and my family.

For anyone reading this, you can take solace in knowing if you have lost someone time truly does sooth the agony. One day you won’t feel such a harsh grief and will only get your reminders once in a while. You’ll probably feel guilty when you start to notice, “I haven’t thought about .… all day.”, but don’t. It’s a gift. I don’t know who gives us this gift, but I do know it’s the best gift you will ever receive.

If you want to leave a comment and don’t want it publicized, just let me know and I won’t approve it. But I will contact you if you want to talk about anything.

#SHINEonline

I’m normally a faithful

Atlanta Falcons fan and really thought we would be going to the Super Bowl. I’m still reeling from our loss against the Packers and I think the only way I’m going to feel better is if the Steelers whip the Packers cheese head butts!

With all the buzz and excitement of the day I thought this would be appropriate. After all, who really wants a cheese head to win anything? Oh wait …a cheese head. LOL

I’ve done my duties and changed my Facebook profile picture to a nice little Steelers button I found on Youtube.

What do you think?

I even found one for my boyfriend and changed his for him too.

.

He’s a Die Hard Steelers Man!

If you’re a Green Bay Packers Cheese Head

…I HOPE YOU LOSE!!!

#SHINEonline

I don’t know what happened to this post. It clearly was supposed to be posted quite some time ago and the original intended date to post live was October 11, 2009. Since this Pancake Breakfast/Cancer Benefit for Dawn Howe she has gone on to be with our Heavenly Father and His Angels. She is missed by many and the love people have for her will keep her alive forever.

Much love Dawn. R.I.P.

You could smell the bacon a block away. The Round Lake Firehouse was full of people scurrying around like a bunch of chickens! Shannon Reynolds-Miller and Jessica Cipperly championed this Cause like true leaders. They played the roles of producer and director as if putting on a Broadway Smash Hit! There was a lot riding on this event.

Twas the night before breakfast and all through the firehouse there were people a scurrying, even the mouse. Ok, there was no mouse, but there was a lot of hustle and bustle!

Shannon and Jessica brought in loads of supplies they collected from local vendors when they scoured the area requesting donations; they had an army of people to feed! It amazes me how a community comes together to help one of their own or those who generously and graciously contributed not knowing who it is for. People really do have a lot of love to give.

Bob Gizzy

Photog

Generous Sponsors

Sponsors Not Pictured

Savemore Beverage Center – Halfmoon, NY
Snyder’s Restaurant – Clifton Park, NY

Photo Credits

Halfmoon Diner – Luanne M. Ferris — Times Union
Uncommon Grounds – discoversaratoga.org

All Other Photos

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