What’s it like to be flat broke at Christmas?

I can’t be the only one. Well, that’s just a stu­pid thing to say. I know I’m not the only one, but it sure feels like it lis­ten­ing to everyone’s excite­ment around me. Every­one I know has the Christ­mas spirit, so why can’t I find it? Why do I feel so sad about it? It doesn’t feel like Christ­mas is here at all for me. I see the lights out­side, and yes they’re pretty and they really should have that amaz­ing power to uplift me into the realm of bliss­ful sweep me away with that… SANTA IS COMING SOON EXCITEMENT!!! But no. Not for me. No happy jolly fat man com­ing to see me this year or let­ting me play Santa either. I am so sad my ho ho ho is no where to be found.

Is it self­ish of me to feel sorry for myself that I can’t buy the gifts I want to? Sur­prise my kids, fam­ily, and friends like I want to? Have com­pa­nies con­vinced me that Christ­mas is about buy­ing and giv­ing things to each other? I’m not sure if that’s what’s really hap­pened for me and quite hon­estly con­fused over it all. Sure, I’ve bought my kids pricey things before and have gone over­board in some people’s stan­dards. But I absolutely rejoice in their expres­sion when they first lay their eyes on the prize in the box. My favorite part of Christ­mas has ALWAYS been the look of hap­pi­ness when they first spot­ted their gift after work­ing so fever­ishly to unwrap it. All the while telling me what was hid­den in the box under­neath all that wrap­ping paper just to be wrong.

This year will be dif­fer­ent. I have no money for Christ­mas. I keep hop­ing some­thing will hap­pen, some­thing will turn around, some­thing good will come my way. I know bet­ter. Things are tough all over, for so many. Why am I wal­low­ing in self pity? I know I should be ashamed. So many peo­ple are hun­gry, home­less, sick, and in so many other depress­ing sit­u­a­tions that make my Christ­mas whine seem shal­low. I don’t mean to be, I’m just really sad and feel like I’m let­ting peo­ple down. My kids are so impor­tant to me. Sure they’ll say they under­stand and it’s ok, after all they’re young adults now. But, it doesn’t mat­ter how old they are to a mom …they’re still my babies and I still get so much heart felt joy see­ing pure hap­pi­ness on their faces when they open the gifts I gave them. See­ing those expres­sions are my Christ­mas gifts to me. I look for­ward to those moments all year long.

So how do I make this Christ­mas meet the same heart­felt grat­i­fy­ing heights? How do I meet my expec­ta­tions, so i can have my Christ­mas moments? What can I do to make this year a spe­cial and a mem­o­rable one? With lit­tle to no money?

Like I said, “just a stu­pid thing to say”, but none the less I feel like I’m the only one and I’m so sad to let them down.