Your dad got so mad at me. “I knew it! I knew it was gonna be at night! I knew you would do this!” All I could do was say I was sorry and I didn’t mean too. I swear he hit every pot hole on the way there! I said ow so many times he finally yelled, “What do you expect me to do? Pick the car up and jump over them!” Wow, if I was the person then that I am now.
Odd things began to happen once I was laying in the hospital bed. My blood pressure went to normal, the swelling disappeared, your father was attentive and didn’t fall asleep once all night. I got lucky, labor only lasted about 9 hours if that and there you were. July 25, 1984, one of the most memorable days of my life. The most beautiful little creature I had ever seen. Nothing about you was wrong; you were perfect. I was so in love with you and your dad seemed to love you just as much, but that was impossible. I loved you more than life, no one could love you as much as I did. My little perfect Brittany Nichole.
Two days later we took you home and I shared you with my family. We were all so proud of you. Time went on and I learned how to be a mommy more and more each day. I kept thinking our life would be better now that you were here; we’d be a happy family. I was so naive and looking through rose colored glasses. I wish I could go back. I just didn’t know.
Life with your dad got worse and I spent every waking moment trying to figure out a way to make him want us. “I don’t know what I want. I need time.” What a horrible thing for a new mommy in a place she didn’t belong to hear. I was so scared. It seemed like life or death to find a way for him to want us. To make him understand he was just confused. What a horrible thing for a new baby. You could feel the stress; you knew I was always upset. When you weren’t crying I was and most times when you were so was I. I’m so sorry; I should have been a better mommy and realized you were all I needed. I just didn’t know. I wish I could take it all back.
Over the next few weeks our time together was spent with me depressed, making sure you were fed and clean, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner, oh and of course chasing your dad around wondering where he was when he wasn’t home. Your grandma must have known, she kept telling me, “men are men” and stressing how she knew your grandpa wasn’t faithful when he was serving in Korea. I just kept telling her, “I don’t care!” and continued on my journey of hell and heartache.
After about 4 more weeks of the torture I felt in the never ending cycle my life had become, I packed you up and we went home for 2 weeks. Being away from your dad and New York, back home at my dad’s made it easier for me to clear my head and think. Day 4 into our visit home I decided NO MORE and got our plane ticket moved up to day 5 of our trip. Off to New York we went! Funny, I can’t remember if your dad picked us up, but I’m sure he did. There are so many things I can’t remember from back then.
So there we were, just you and me again in the Military housing. Alone. The entire weekend, alone. Your dad was no where to be found, then the call came. “It’s not what you think. This was a good bye.” Seriously? Wow! What an idiot jerk. “I don’t think so! Screw you! Your packed bags are already on the front porch!” Never the less, he came home and wouldn’t leave; I just ignored him. I finally had my fill of infidelity and bad treatment. I think going home really was the turning point to find my self respect again. I started focusing on you and what we needed to do.
Tuesday, September 4th, came around. Your father sat next to me on the couch. He looked over and told me he wanted his family. I don’t remember if he said he was sorry, but he must have. I was so excited inside and wanted to scream “YES! FINALLY!” at the top of my lungs, but I just sat there. I couldn’t let him know how happy I was he wanted us; before I knew it I was wearing the biggest grin. I still hate myself for it.
The next week for our little family was wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I was elated we were finally a family and I struggled with trying to trust him. It wasn’t easy ignoring all he had done and he wouldn’t tell me who she was. I thought not knowing was hard. I had no idea what hard was yet.
