I Didn’t Know What Hard Was

Your dad got so mad at me. “I knew it! I knew it was gonna be at night! I knew you would do this!” All I could do was say I was sorry and I didn’t mean too. I swear he hit every pot hole on the way there! I said ow so many times he finally yelled, “What do you expect me to do? Pick the car up and jump over them!” Wow, if I was the per­son then that I am now.

Odd things began to hap­pen once I was lay­ing in the hos­pi­tal bed. My blood pres­sure went to nor­mal, the swelling dis­ap­peared, your father was atten­tive and didn’t fall asleep once all night. I got lucky, labor only lasted about 9 hours if that and there you were. July 25, 1984, one of the most mem­o­rable days of my life. The most beau­ti­ful lit­tle crea­ture I had ever seen. Noth­ing about you was wrong; you were per­fect. I was so in love with you and your dad seemed to love you just as much, but that was impos­si­ble. I loved you more than life, no one could love you as much as I did. My lit­tle per­fect Brit­tany Nichole.

Two days later we took you home and I shared you with my fam­ily. We were all so proud of you. Time went on and I learned how to be a mommy more and more each day. I kept think­ing our life would be bet­ter now that you were here; we’d be a happy fam­ily. I was so naive and look­ing through rose col­ored glasses. I wish I could go back. I just didn’t know.

Life with your dad got worse and I spent every wak­ing moment try­ing to fig­ure out a way to make him want us. “I don’t know what I want. I need time.” What a hor­ri­ble thing for a new mommy in a place she didn’t belong to hear. I was so scared. It seemed like life or death to find a way for him to want us. To make him under­stand he was just con­fused. What a hor­ri­ble thing for a new baby. You could feel the stress; you knew I was always upset. When you weren’t cry­ing I was and most times when you were so was I. I’m so sorry; I should have been a bet­ter mommy and real­ized you were all I needed. I just didn’t know. I wish I could take it all back.

Over the next few weeks our time together was spent with me depressed, mak­ing sure you were fed and clean, keep­ing the house clean, cook­ing din­ner, oh and of course chas­ing your dad around won­der­ing where he was when he wasn’t home. Your grandma must have known, she kept telling me, “men are men” and stress­ing how she knew your grandpa wasn’t faith­ful when he was serv­ing in Korea. I just kept telling her, “I don’t care!” and con­tin­ued on my jour­ney of hell and heartache.

After about 4 more weeks of the tor­ture I felt in the never end­ing cycle my life had become, I packed you up and we went home for 2 weeks. Being away from your dad and New York, back home at my dad’s made it eas­ier for me to clear my head and think. Day 4 into our visit home I decided NO MORE and got our plane ticket moved up to day 5 of our trip. Off to New York we went! Funny, I can’t remem­ber if your dad picked us up, but I’m sure he did. There are so many things I can’t remem­ber from back then.

So there we were, just you and me again in the Mil­i­tary hous­ing. Alone. The entire week­end, alone. Your dad was no where to be found, then the call came. “It’s not what you think. This was a good bye.” Seri­ously? Wow! What an idiot jerk. “I don’t think so! Screw you! Your packed bags are already on the front porch!” Never the less, he came home and wouldn’t leave; I just ignored him. I finally had my fill of infi­delity and bad treat­ment. I think going home really was the turn­ing point to find my self respect again. I started focus­ing on you and what we needed to do.

Tues­day, Sep­tem­ber 4th, came around. Your father sat next to me on the couch. He looked over and told me he wanted his fam­ily. I don’t remem­ber if he said he was sorry, but he must have. I was so excited inside and wanted to scream “YES! FINALLY!” at the top of my lungs, but I just sat there. I couldn’t let him know how happy I was he wanted us; before I knew it I was wear­ing the biggest grin. I still hate myself for it.

The next week for our lit­tle fam­ily was won­der­ful and hor­ri­ble all at the same time. I was elated we were finally a fam­ily and I strug­gled with try­ing to trust him. It wasn’t easy ignor­ing all he had done and he wouldn’t tell me who she was. I thought not know­ing was hard. I had no idea what hard was yet.

I’m sorry, but I didn’t know.